Ashamed

I have three good news so far this year. Well, that's not entirely true eh. I get good news almost everyday. But this three beat the rest of them.

First, I was awarded the Hadiah Latihan Persekutuan or HLP. HLP is an education award to government servants who by receiving this award is eligible to further their studies free of charge. The government is paying for everything. I'll be furthering my study in the US of A next year. Insya Allah. Hopefully this time there will be no more hurdles like the one I had in 97. But since I've gone through the 97 calamity, I'm taking it easy this time. Anything could happen in a year right?

Second, I finally passed my PTK. Yahoo!!!!! Now, I can apply for confirmation.

Third, I sat for my TOEFL and I passed. I got 98, which surpasses the JPA requirement of 92. But I've got to admit it, I'm not entirely happy with my result though. I targeted at least a 100. To be so near and yet so far is utterly frustrating. But you know what, always be grateful with what you have. If you want more you gotta work harder.

Despite all this, I'm actually ashamed. I'm ashamed to God. I know for a fact that I'm not really a good or perfect muslim and yet I'm blessed with His love. I'm confused as I was ready for bad news. Instead, I was showered with these magnificent gifts. If you were me, will you be ashamed?

I guess, these are actually tests. God is testing me whether I'll be grateful or will I be straying away from the rightful path.

I know that some of you are not superstitious. You say - Good thing happens and shit happens too. Well, I'm not like that. I believe things happen not only because we deserved it, or because we worked for it. It happens also with the help of divine intervention. An element that most of us have been ignoring. So, I'll stop neglecting. I'll strive to be a better muslim. Will you join me? :)

Emotional eh? Drama? ahahah...I admit I'm a little bit emotional la. I remember one day when I was lepaking with Kazarul in NZ. We were wasting our time talking about the past. You know la, the same old stories repeated all over again and yet it didn't bore us. I was telling him although we had a lot of fun in college, it wasn't actually a walk in a park. We worked hard to survive, I said.

Kazarul paused for a while and then he smiled. He said, 'tapi jalan ko sebenarnya senang rul, ko je tak perasan'. I was puzzled.

He continued 'ko masa study dulu exam lepas, degree pon lepas, pastu keje pon ko senang, takyah nak interview banyak kali, dapat PTD pon senang, pastu dlm PTD pon naik pangkat pon senang, rezeki ko murah rul' (I didn't repeat his words verbatim. Just the gist la eh)

It took me a moment for the his words to sip through my brain, but then I realized that he was correct. He's not saying I'm the luckiest person in the world. What he's trying to say is that my life is simply better than others.

I was a little bit proud for a moment. But then I got scared. How long would a good luck streak last? I've been taking so much and forgot to give. So that's why I'm a little emotional. I (we) am not getting younger you know. Rumah kata pergi, kubur kat mari. Let's do something to balance our lives. Lets show some initiatives. And hopefully God will bless us. Insya Allah....

As a conclusion, Kazarul...bila nak lepak kat uptown ni? :))